I’ve reached a compelling section of Dr Russ Harris’ book “The Happiness Trap”, the affirmative action part entitled “Creating a Life Worth Living”, which starts off by drawing a distinction between goals and values. Goals are good in the short term, once you reach a goal, what then? Values are what guide us throughout our entire life, for better for worse. Determining one’s values shines a light on the right path amidst all the noise and confusion. It is our values that drive us on, that inspire us to continue in spite of adverse conditions.
Dr Harris offers a Life Values Questionnaire (which is based on another psychologist’s work) as a tool to help identify the values that are important to oneself. I thought this blog would be a good place to examine my answers, having started this questionnaire in a different format with my psych I know that my answers expand as I consider them more deeply over time, and here on my blog I can append further thoughts easily through comments.
The first section is Family – what sort of sister, daughter (or other relative) do I want to be? what personal qualities would I like to bring to these relationships? how would I treat others if I was the “ideal me” in these relationships? what sort of ongoing activities do I want to do with my relatives? what sort of relationships do I want to build?
For me the concept of “family” has a safe, secure connotation, yet I know for others (example my husband) it has quite different meaning. I am the eldest child and from an early age felt the pull of independence from my family, yet family has an underlying importance in my life. On one hand I really feel the influence (for good or bad) my family has had on the person I am; on the other I am grateful because things could have been far worse! The central characters in my family are my parents, I have mixed feelings about them sometimes but on the whole I cherish their love and support.
Next my siblings. Jo is dependent on our parents, and after they are gone she will be dependent on.. possibly me. I don’t know yet but I have always had that expectation that she would come into my care after our parents died. We are all getting older. Mum may be around for another 20 years or more, but will be quite elderly and will not be able to manage on her own – it is a shock to realise this, for all my life Mum has been the rock steady support to us all.
My brother Pete is married to Jody and they are busy with their tribe of kids. I feel regret at how little I see Pete and his family, that I don’t know my nieces and nephews better, that they are growing up and I am an irrelevant relative, good perhaps for a christmas present each year but not much else. My fault, I haven’t overcome my personal struggles and reached out to them. I feel strongly however that Pete’s welfare (and therefore his family’s) is important to me, I would like to support him if he ever needed me.
The type of relative I would like to be reflects how my family is for me; although not a daily facet of my life, a stable, familiar base that can be relied on to be there for me. As a daughter I would like to be loving and supportive, reliable, tolerant and non-judgemental. I would like to truly value the time I have left with my parents and to expand on the good things they have given me, not just blaming my upbringing for the person I’ve become. As a sister I would like to be kind and non-judgemental, and to listen when an ear is wanted, to offer support when help is wanted. To be a true friend. As an aunt I would like to be kind and wise and strong, to listen and encourage and foster each child’s hopes for the future. As a niece I would like to be respectful and interested in my relatives’ concerns and welfare.