Having one of those restless nights, mind tormented by depressing thoughts. Worried about work, and all my inabilities and my lack of caring about just about everything and everyone (except H of course). Wanting to quit. Feeling trapped and scared because I’m getting older and my options are disappearing. Sinking into fantasies of escape into oblivion. Trying to remember the therapy I’ve had, trying not to feel down that it is not the quick fix I’d hoped for, that life is still shit, that it requires hard work, and that it is so difficult to summon the energy and will to try and rise above it.
I’m thinking I might quit the HR course I signed up to last year. It is just too hard and my brain can’t cope with trying to work it out, and my heart can’t cope with the inadequacy. Not easy being a quitter; still beat myself up about the whole dog rescue group business last year. Don’t know what the answer is. I seem to sign myself up to things to try and make something of myself, but all that happens is it adds to the things I can’t cope with and I get stressed and end up quitting and beating myself up even more about it. Damn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxOidIjknls&feature=player_embedded