I’m in a deep funk. Come on woman, snap out of it. Having a bad few days. Haven’t been eating right, or taking medication. Snap out of it. Get past it.
I feel so damn sorry for myself, isolated and alienated. I’m angry at all the time wasted, life is slipping away hour by hour yet I waste it, feeling depressed. I waste time wishing my life away instead of enjoying it.
Mum just dropped in for a coffee, it was a brief bright spark in the day. When she left the dark mood returned with vicious intensity. I just feel like doing myself in.
It is school holidays, Mum is picking up a couple of grandkids tomorrow. It is niece’s birthday on Thursday, H and I bought some gifts for her. I guess we’ll drop around to the house sometime to give it to her. At the same time I sort of dread this, I feel like I carry my dark cloud everywhere and people are glad to see the back of me.
There are days when I wish I’d never been born, then I wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of ending it. I just feel empty, my mind is a void. No virtues, no intelligence, no love to give, nothing special. What good am I?
I’ve nothing to give. I am nothing. Why does H want me with him? Why does anyone want me around? Wish I didn’t exist. I can understand why people drink and take drugs, to escape. I just want to escape. I am sick and tired of feeling like this. Going mad.
I think if I was alone, if there weren’t people who cared what happened to me, if I didn’t have my dog to care for, I would get in my car and keep driving until I ran out of fuel. Then I would get out of the car and keep walking. I would walk and walk and not care about where I was going or what was happening along the way. I would walk until I reached the sea and then I would wade out through the waves and keep swimming until I disappeared.
Liss, I’m sitting here reading this ‘Deep Funk’ and I am crying. Remember, you are my friend and are much loved. If you want to drive somewhere, drive down here and see me. There’s a room waiting for you. Or, if not, ring me. Let’s talk about old times, old friends and old bags.
I can relate to your feelings of helplessness and frustration because it’s how I feel sometimes, lately, especially when A’s not here and the kids are freaking me out.
Remember, if you feel like swimming and swimming, I would like to be your lifesaver and drag you back out, and if you kick and scream, only a true friend would still pull you out, and say “yes Liss, you are my friend and I love you heaps.
Kyles