Category: Daily Life

After reading some of H.’s old journal I’ve come to understand a little more about how things were for him with my parents. I’m always sad about how this relationship fell apart. Ironic when I remember the irritation I used to feel, when it seemed like he put them up on a pedestal. Like I wasn’t appreciating them enough. I didn’t realise how much their acceptance meant to him, how badly let down he felt after we separated and they supported me.

I feel let down too that they accepted everything that was said and done at face value, didn’t try harder to encourage us to work on our marriage, didn’t share with both of us the lessons they’d learned from their own marriage. I wish they had looked objectively at what was going on and had confronted us (me) about some things. I wish they hadn’t been so quick to accept what was happening without question.

Third day at home since the flooding; road to Ipswich is open but in a very bad state, H. got through but rang to let me know that it wasn’t a good idea to be on the road unless I really had to be somewhere.

Rang work, and a lot of staff and volunteers have been unable to get in there, although enough live locally to keep the place running. Denis the counsellor has been staying at work, unable to get home to Brisbane.

Some interesting tidbits on the local radio, lots of calls from police and flood victims requesting gawkers to stay away from the flooded areas, and off the roads, just causing problems for them. One enterprising shopkeeper in Leichhardt decided that since everyone wanted fresh bread and he had some, he’d charge them $10 a loaf for it, pretty disgusting.

A lot of people wanting to help those who have been hit by the flooding, but it is too soon to do anything. Heard on the radio that the local evacuation centre at Gatton and Laidley were after donations of bedding and clothing, so I started throwing some stuff together. Then I was reading something online that the evacuation centres weren’t equipped to handle donations of goods, and to make financial donations instead.

Not so many choppers flying overhead today, a lot more ground searching is happening. Just read that a further body has been located, bringing the death toll to 14.

Up to Woollies supermarket yesterday, surprised by all the empty shelves – all the fresh milk gone, slim pickings in the fresh fruit and veg department, long queue for the fresh bread. Along each aisle empty spaces where there used to be bottled water, longlife milk, tinned food, sugar, flour. Displaced items sat on the wrong shelves, from people who must have changed their mind about what they’d thrown into their trolleys.

Managed to get some longlife skim milk and a couple of other items to help stretch our pantry supply.  Up to the check-out and they were running out of plastic bags.

Loaded up the car with my loose items, next stop the Caltex to fill up on fuel. There was not a line-up for fuel as I’d expected, although there was a line of trucks parked around the perimeter, and a bunch of drivers sitting around drinking beer. Lots of people arriving to go into the food court for Hungry Jacks, KFC and Subway.

It’s a sunny day outside but damp underfoot, the flood waters out here have receded but are forcing thousands of Ipswich and Brisbane residents from their homes. Feeling very fortunate to have got off so lightly when many were lucky to escape with their lives. The TV is full of disturbing images of houses barely emerging from the murky brown water, and stories of the narrow escapes and hardships of those forced to abandon their homes. The state premier Anna Bligh, and Australian prime minister Julia Gillard are constantly on the screen, assuring support and asking residents to co-operate with rescue workers.

All the roads around us were blocked yesterday but this morning H. was able to get through to Laidley where he reported at the local station, and last I heard is helping to man the phones. I’m here at home washing and cleaning, following the TV reports and listening to the local police radio band, hearing the helicopters flying overhead as they go back and forth performing rescue operations.

..the spirit of KISS is always about celebrating being alive, celebrating life – you want more, you never really get enough.. it’s that state of mind that is KISS. Some people find it corny; the people that find it corny are usually bitter, unsatisfied people. The idea that you celebrate life, that you want more of it, that you believe you can climb any mountain, that you can succeed at anything – that’s the song of a winner. – Paul Stanley, KISS

Been feeling low, struggling with depression. Working hard to be hopeful, mindfulness therapy is helping. It’s teaching me to face my thoughts and feelings, to accept things as they are and go with the flow, to move on and not dwell on what I can’t change or control. It’s hard work and needs self-discipline, which I don’t have much of, but I’ll keep trying.

Yesterday, started tidying my bookshelves (those ugly ones H. dislikes) and found his journal from 8½ years ago. I’ve tried reading it before, but never finished it. Too hard to face – the guilt and regret from causing all that pain, the anger and disgust at myself, and the pointlessness of everything we went through.

Put the book down a couple of times, but forced myself to keep reading. I’m glad I did, it opened my eyes and my heart. H. loved me, even when I least deserved it. He thought me beautiful, even when I was at my ugliest. The words are heartbreaking but they also fill me with hope and determination to live life and share it with this man.

H. might feel bad about some of the things he wrote but shouldn’t. They are golden, these thoughts and feelings of his, as important to me as my own.