Category: Daily Life

Had a thought recently, that my pride is at the root of my low self-esteem. Which seems a little ironic, but I think that it means I frequently set myself up to fail by being prideful and demanding perfection of myself.

I’ve also been reflecting on a couple of comments people have made to me about myself. It seems I present myself in a very neutral way. Ros said that I am sometimes unreadable, but she finds that a good thing because I’m not trying to influence her one way or another. Denis said that with me, there is no game playing or trying to work out the true meaning behind what I say.

I guess I am always in deadly earnest and I think this means I don’t have the knack for the social lubrication which makes interactions pleasant. I am too ready to accept and present things at face value.

Great sci-fi movie with Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt, Madelaine Stowe. Post-apocalyptic Earth of not too distant future, a terrorist attack released a killer virus, which wiped out most of the human population. The remaining few are forced to live underground and while science has not yet found a cure for the virus it has discovered the secret of time travel. Prisoner James Cole ‘volunteers’ to take a trip to 1996, just before the virus is released, to discover the source so scientists can find the cure.

Time travel is very disorienting and James Cole bounces back and forth through different time zones, between madness and insanity.

Very cleverly done, much enjoyed.

The British version of Gran Turismo starring Michael Caine. Borrowed Dad’s copy and watched with H. this afternoon. H. reckons it captured the essence of the criminals, and the incompetence of the brass. Always love Michael Caine, great actor. Very violent. Another surprise ending.

One of H.’s colleagues dropped by yesterday. He has a high regard for H. whom he encourages to apply himself to advancing his career and level of pay. In their sector, advancement requires study and written assessment, which H. does not have any patience for. He resents that advancement in his job is geared towards the academically-minded, ignoring those who have years of experience in the field. He feels that much of the theory is politicised and useless in any practical application.

A little conflicted by Brett’s urgings to H. yesterday. On one hand I felt bound to defend H.’s position, on the other wanted to join in and encourage H. to get himself a better deal.

I think it is not an issue that H. is terribly motivated by. Others seem more bothered about it then he. In the long run, as long as he is happy, that’s all I care about.

Tagged along with H. today, he had promised to drop in on his good friends and colleagues Troy and Mary. Their toddler son John phoned last week to invite H. to see his “mouse”. Turns out the mouse was the second hand on a little wrist watch! He is a delightful kid, bright and a great laugh, he has great parents I think.

At last psych session Carrie gave me a chart containing several boxes labelled with areas of life such as work, hobbies, parenting, family, social relationships. Called the “life compass” its function is to help me decide which values in each of these areas are important to me, to prioritise the importance of each area and to indicate how well I think I am doing in each area.

What a hard one. This exercise requires me to take action and confront things I’d rather not face.

I remember doing one of these things a couple of years ago, the last time I was seeing a psych (just before I stopped going!) and I think I left the “parenting” box blank because I’m not a parent. This time I wrote “more time with family – nieces and nephews”. Carrie said I next had to set myself a small task which would take me a step closer to achieving that. I said I would call my brother and ask how the kids were.

Trouble is I hardly talk to my brother anymore, I always feel a bit nervous around his wife. I guess I’m worried about how she must perceive me, and that I’ll make a mess of things. We don’t have a lot in common, she’s had 7 kids to my brother, I’ve had no kids. I feel a bit inferior next to that, like I don’t have a true grip on real life or something.

I guess this is less about the nieces and nephews and more about developing the relationship with my brother and his family.

I miss my brother, I feel like I’ve lost him, but I realise that if I had involved myself unobtrusively with his family life I could still have had a good relationship with him.

So I guess this really belongs under “Family Relationships” rather than “Parenting”. I want to re-establish that contact but right now it feels like a very hard thing to do.