Category: Daily Life

Got to stop dwelling on the exchange with Wheelie last weekend. He said I was a boring and lifeless person. This is what I’ve been telling myself for years, and now a voice outside my head is telling it. I don’t know whether he intended to be hurtful, I tried to make a joke of it.. so boring and lifeless I need a warning label – “Warning: this person will make you drowsy, do not listen to her whilst driving or operating heavy machinery”.

Yeah, I’m an average, boring person. This has been behind a lot of the depression I’ve fallen into. But I’m working on it. I have a lot of happy things in my life. Marriage to a good man, a nice home on an acreage filled with trees, three fun-loving dogs, a challenging job, a nice car to drive, access to a great DVD collection, a growing appreciation for the little things that make life worthwhile.

Wheelie and I don’t have that much to do with each other now, since he stopped volunteering. We just exchange the odd joke by email. Occasionally though, he’ll ask me for news and I fall for it. Why do I even engage with this person who gets a kick out of one-upping me with hurtful and insulting remarks. I’m not seeing the funny side any more. Some of the things he comes out with get me so riled and defensive, I overreact and then I’m days trying to get over the negativity of it all.

I guess this is a case where I can practice some assertive communication exercises, and work out a way to express how this behaviour hurts my feelings, and I’d like it to stop.

First monthly session with psych yesterday; we talked about assertive communication. H. met me afterward and we lunched at Sizzler; enjoyed the delicious varieties of salad. Was a good day.

Reading
Keeping house
Being outdoors in the garden
Being with my husband
Laughing at the antics of our dogs
Energetic music when I’m full of beans
Easy listening music in quiet moments
Driving the new car
Science fiction
Crossword puzzles
Bookkeeping
Quiet contemplation
Good tea or coffee
A good meal
Walking along the beach
The smell of the ocean
Natural landscapes
Flowers and trees

Switch on the news these days and it seems like armageddon, much of Australia affected by flood, terrible fires, and now a big earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand.

What counters the shock of all this is the inspiring response of the people. So many of those who have been directly affected by these horrendous disasters, brushing it off with “others are worse off”. The immediate commitment of resources by governments and the armies of volunteers who roll up to help mop up is magical.

The Australian government, already dealing with effects of widespread flooding, immediately offered any available resources needed to help the people of New Zealand. When you consider this against the civil unrest happening right now in Libya, and not long ago in Egypt, it makes me feel very lucky to live in this part of the world.

In the last six months I have learnt that my depression is fuelled, in part at least, by my resistance to negative thoughts about myself, and the emotional response this generates.

A major cause of my depression is my fixation on social interaction and the inadequacy I feel in my inability to relate to other people. In situations where I am with other people I put myself under the microscope and lose myself in anxiety.

I wonder sometimes if the place where I work is the right place for me. It is full of people who give generously of themselves to others, and I constantly compare myself to that and come up short. I feel like a dead weight there because I keep to myself, I don’t engage with the others, I don’t contribute.