Category: Daily Life

Things getting on top of me again; frustration at work, frustration at home. H is the light of my life, I just can’t stand the disorder we live in. The clutter is driving me crazy. It seems like there is nowhere I can relax and feel at peace, I think I’m losing my mind. I feel that way at work lately too. I’ve tried to change the way I feel and just accept the way things are. Not working. Feel like running away.

Went to church with Dad today, had a chat about work afterwards, felt ok for a while. Wore off when I got back home, wanted to put a knife to something. Preparing for dinner, saw the old bottle of brandy in the pantry. It’s been there something like five or six years, maybe more. Had sudden urge to scull some down. Burnt my throat, but instantly took some of the edge off. Short while later felt heaps better. By the time H got home from work was noticably affected by the alcohol, he commented. Hip flask is probably not a good idea.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. I don’t know what really triggered this episode but my thoughts have now moved off suicidal fantasies onto the practicalities of winding up my affairs so I can make a change. ANZAC day has just passed and I found myself envying the diggers who lost their lives heroically in the war. Maybe I should visit the counsellor again; I have been so miserable lately. Just want to disappear without a fuss, leave things neatly in order. I wish to God I wasn’t made this way. I just want to blot out my existence, without any consequences, yet I would like to be missed. People would miss me, I suppose it would be those people I love and they will be very hurt. My mum and dad, Joanne (how could I do this to them?) and my very favourite person, Hermie.

Drinking some rough old brandy, it is bringing tears to my eyes as I gulp it down.

Cry for help, it’s oh so embarrassing.

A bit sore and worse for wear this morning, following my unintended slapstick routine around 1am. Woke up to hear Ebby barking shrilly at the possums in our trees, they were breaking tree branches and grunting, having a very noisy party, so I thought it might be a bit quieter for the neighborhood if I brought Ebby inside the house, as she was setting off other dogs.

Slipped the lead on Ebby when I let her out of her run and she took off after the possums. I fell over and by trying to hold on to her I got a very painful rope burn on my fingers from the lead. She got free and was racing around like a maniac, and I was wandering around after her in the dark, like an idiot, trying to grab her.

Meanwhile Spook was making a din with her crying because she wanted to be let out too, and I was swearing at them both as I kept bumping into things. Bumped into the new wire trellis with our passionfruit vines and nearly broke my glasses, then tripped over a big branch on the ground and landed heavily on my knee.

Eventually I captured the naughty Ebby and locked her in the bathroom while I put some ice on my sore hand, and hobbled back upstairs to bed. I don’t know if my attempts to keep the peace were really worth all of that pain and anguish!

My old camera had one too many shocks from all the times I’ve dropped it, and finally gave up the ghost a couple of months ago. I shopped around and picked myself up a Canon PowerShot SX120 for under $300. It’s a step up from my old PowerShot A510, lots of zoom and lots of megapixel. Very happy with it, will have to get out more and get some snaps.

Another good mark for latest assignment! the topic – policies/legislation was a bit of a toughie, but very handy for what I’m doing at work right now, writing all my finance policies.

Last night SBS screened an interesting program about the Australian film industry. I only caught the tail end of it unfortunately; they were looking at the glut of crappy low budget “genre” movies made in the 70s, which seemed to feature lots of car crashes and violence, heavy on the gore. They showed commentary from Australian film directors, producers, actors and other industry types and for some reason, the US film maker Quentin Tarantino who can’t seem to utter a sentence without a big effing superlative in it!

Looked at movies such as Mad Max which gloried in cars and revenge, and another classic, Turkey Shoot which was ridiculous for the amount of blood and smashed heads, chopped off limbs and general gore and violence. Haven’t seen Turkey Shoot, not likely to!

These “genre” movies are currently enjoying a resurgence apparently, following the hit movie Wolf Creek (couple of years ago now), about a psychopath who chops up backpackers in the outback.

When this program finished for some reason I still couldn’t sleep so I stayed up to watch the old Aussie comedy classic with Barrys Humphries and  Crocker – Adventures of Barry McKenzie. Extremely cringeworthy (can’t stand Edna Everage! but at least this was the days before “hello possums!”). A very cheeky swipe at “old mother England”, and beer-guzzling stereotypes in Earl’s Court, the “Australian quarter” in London. Some of the jokes in there were quite subtle and funny and some great sources of strine including “hope your chickens turn into emus and kick your dunny down”.

Unfortunately I didn’t make it to the end of the movie, which means that I will now probably want to watch it again someday just to see how it ends!