Author: Melissa

Sometimes, I feel like I’m slowly going insane. The older I get, the deeper entrenched I am in this personality, which shies away from other people. I am distracted and lost for what to say most of the time. I’m turning into a grumpy, grunting cave woman.

Went for a medical check up this morning. I’ve been having some dizzy spells and wondered if it was a blood pressure thing. Blood pressure normal, which is good of course. Felt a bit foolish, truth be told. Hard to explain your physical symptoms when you’re not sure if they aren’t psychological. This is so silly but I think I would have been relieved to have something physically wrong with me.

I have these moments of desperation, where depression looms and I feel I’ve tried everything to overcome it, and it is hopeless. Then I practice some of the expansion and acceptance therapy I’ve learned recently and it eases off a little.

A late night on the computer Friday night did not deter me from wanting to head out on Saturday, though I left it quite late in the morning. Wasn’t really up for a long drive so decided to head into Gatton to top up my work wardrobe with some new shirts and vests.

Shoppers are not exactly spoilt for choice in Gatton; Target is pretty much the only option, unless you’re after something pre-loved from one of the op shops. After an hour or so of browsing and flicking through all the clothes racks I had a nice little collection of items, and started thinking about lunch and a nice spot to eat it in.

So I headed out to Lake Apex and on the way, stopped at McGraths. It’s a step above the average takeaway, a number of different menus but I settled for a hamburger and chips to take out to the lake. Very good it was too, and the fresh air and outdoor view only improved the meal, as I sat watching the local bird- and family-life in the surrounding parklands.

Afterwards I checked out the Gatton Cultural Centre, adjacent to the park; a big complex, with a transport museum, cafe, library and art gallery. Library was closed and I thought the gallery was too, but some volunteers at the information booth opened it up for me. I think they must get so few visitors there, or have not enough volunteers to keep it open all the time. The attendant who stayed while I browsed was very talkative, and I was conscious of taking up his time so didn’t stay long.

Ready to head for home I stopped at the IGA supermarket for a few groceries, and heard an old voice from the past. IGA have a “live” radio broadcast (the weather report included cyclone warnings from months ago); the announcer was someone I knew in Brisbane many years ago, when we were both working for John. Interesting when old names and faces turn up.

Having a bad day, letting negative thoughts get to me, fantasising about hiding away from the world in a cave, staring at the fire.

I’ve reached a compelling section of Dr Russ Harris’ book “The Happiness Trap”, the affirmative action part entitled “Creating a Life Worth Living”, which starts off by drawing a distinction between goals and values. Goals are good in the short term, once you reach a goal, what then? Values are what guide us throughout our entire life, for better for worse. Determining one’s values shines a light on the right path amidst all the noise and confusion. It is our values that drive us on, that inspire us to continue in spite of adverse conditions.

Dr Harris offers a Life Values Questionnaire (which is based on another psychologist’s work) as a tool to help identify the values that are important to oneself. I thought this blog would be a good place to examine my answers, having started this questionnaire in a different format with my psych I know that my answers expand as I consider them more deeply over time, and here on my blog I can append further thoughts easily through comments.

The first section is Family – what sort of sister, daughter (or other relative) do I want to be? what personal qualities would I like to bring to these relationships? how would I treat others if I was the “ideal me” in these relationships? what sort of ongoing activities do I want to do with my relatives? what sort of relationships do I want to build?

For me the concept of “family” has a safe, secure connotation, yet I know for others (example my husband) it has quite different meaning. I am the eldest child and from an early age felt the pull of independence from my family, yet family has an underlying importance in my life. On one hand I really feel the influence (for good or bad) my family has had on the person I am; on the other I am grateful because things could have been far worse! The central characters in my family are my parents, I have mixed feelings about them sometimes but on the whole I cherish their love and support.

Next my siblings. Jo is dependent on our parents, and after they are gone she will be dependent on.. possibly me. I don’t know yet but I have always had that expectation that she would come into my care after our parents died. We are all getting older. Mum may be around for another 20 years or more, but will be quite elderly and will not be able to manage on her own – it is a shock to realise this, for all my life Mum has been the rock steady support to us all.

My brother Pete is married to Jody and they are busy with their tribe of kids. I feel regret at how little I see Pete and his family, that I don’t know my nieces and nephews better, that they are growing up and I am an irrelevant relative, good perhaps for a christmas present each year but not much else. My fault, I haven’t overcome my personal struggles and reached out to them. I feel strongly however that Pete’s welfare (and therefore his family’s) is important to me, I would like to support him if he ever needed me.

The type of relative I would like to be reflects how my family is for me; although not a daily facet of my life, a stable, familiar base that can be relied on to be there for me. As a daughter I would like to be loving and supportive, reliable, tolerant and non-judgemental. I would like to truly value the time I have left with my parents and to expand on the good things they have given me, not just blaming my upbringing for the person I’ve become. As a sister I would like to be kind and non-judgemental, and to listen when an ear is wanted, to offer support when help is wanted. To be a true friend. As an aunt I would like to be kind and wise and strong, to listen and encourage and foster each child’s hopes for the future. As a niece I would like to be respectful and interested in my relatives’ concerns and welfare.

A turbulent month. Our Bossy boy died quite unexpectedly on a Thursday, H arrived home from work first to find him in a bad way. Took him to vet, had bloated stomach, twisted internal organs too badly to save him.

Finished therapy, funny how strong I felt while doing it but since being on my own have struggled quite hard. Continuing my reading, Dr Russ Harris, which is helping somewhat. Just need to keep working at it, don’t fall into old habits. Got a follow up visit with my GP next week, just routine I guess.

Today I volunteered at a garden party fundraiser, it seemed to be a successful day, very well attended at least. I wasn’t quite sure what I was expected to do, I’d been put onto the registration table with several others, with very little idea how it was to work. Indeed the ticketing system was rather a shemozzle but we muddled through. I had some helpers, schoolgirls from a local private school who were quite switched on, a great help. One of the event organisers had also offered to help with registrations but decided she wasn’t needed, it was probably as well, she had expectations of what was to happen and part of it seemed to include thinking I knew what was what, which wasn’t the case! and rather than being helpful her presence seemed only to make matters worse.

Despite all the muddle, and feeling my usual lack of charm and grace I’ve come from the day quite worn out and a little dazed. I kind of wish I’d had more involvement in the ticketing system from the ground up, rather than brought in at the end. I think I’ll offer my help earlier on at the next event where there is a complicated registration system, so I know more about what is what.

Quite an eventful day today. I finished up a course of psychotherapy which has been going for about 10 months, so I’m very happy about that and pleased with the new mental tools in my arsenal. Very grateful to the psychologist for pointing the way.

Got home, spent a little time at my desk then came out to do something in the kitchen, but my way was blocked by a snake at the bottom of the stairwell. Gives me the shudders thinking about it. I thought it might have been a brown snake so kept my distance. Turns out it was a harmless little green tree snake. I was so glad when the local snake catcher responded so quickly, he said I’d done the right thing by closing and blocking the door of the room where the snake had gone, and that I was one of the calmest call-outs he’d ever had.

I had another little shock while I was waiting for him to arrive, I’d moved outside onto the veranda and thought I’d have a peek through the window to see if I could spot the snake. I moved a box of rubbish aside and out popped a rat. It scurried away under the water heater. I was being very careful in case there was another snake but it still gave me a start. It is the first rat I’ve seen at our place, although we had a mouse in the house not long ago. We’ll probably get a few more mice and rats, now that we don’t have our snake around – although I do feel a lot more comfortable that she’s been re-located.