I am gradually getting better at small talk, although it still irks me. I am coming to realise the value of it, slowly – the grease that oils the wheels of social interaction.
This poem says it all:
I think about God.
Yet I talk of small matters.
Now isn’t it odd
How my idle tongue chatters!
Of quarrelsome neighbors,
Fine weather and rain,
Indifferent labors,
Indifferent pain,
Some trivial style
Fashion shifts with a nod.
And yet all the while
I am thinking of God.
Gamaliel Bradford.
Over the last few days Wheelie’s words have echoed in my thoughts and I have struggled to let them go. This afternoon a couple of emails arrived, jokes from Wheelie.. so all is business as usual as far as he’s concerned. It has alleviated the pain of those words a little bit, even though I’m this boring, lifeless person I am not totally rejected.
I read so much into things and torture myself with endless rumination. I need to practice my “leaves on a stream” exercise, and just let these thoughts drift away.
Got to stop dwelling on the exchange with Wheelie last weekend. He said I was a boring and lifeless person. This is what I’ve been telling myself for years, and now a voice outside my head is telling it. I don’t know whether he intended to be hurtful, I tried to make a joke of it.. so boring and lifeless I need a warning label – “Warning: this person will make you drowsy, do not listen to her whilst driving or operating heavy machinery”.
Yeah, I’m an average, boring person. This has been behind a lot of the depression I’ve fallen into. But I’m working on it. I have a lot of happy things in my life. Marriage to a good man, a nice home on an acreage filled with trees, three fun-loving dogs, a challenging job, a nice car to drive, access to a great DVD collection, a growing appreciation for the little things that make life worthwhile.
Wheelie and I don’t have that much to do with each other now, since he stopped volunteering. We just exchange the odd joke by email. Occasionally though, he’ll ask me for news and I fall for it. Why do I even engage with this person who gets a kick out of one-upping me with hurtful and insulting remarks. I’m not seeing the funny side any more. Some of the things he comes out with get me so riled and defensive, I overreact and then I’m days trying to get over the negativity of it all.
I guess this is a case where I can practice some assertive communication exercises, and work out a way to express how this behaviour hurts my feelings, and I’d like it to stop.
First monthly session with psych yesterday; we talked about assertive communication. H. met me afterward and we lunched at Sizzler; enjoyed the delicious varieties of salad. Was a good day.
Reading
Keeping house
Being outdoors in the garden
Being with my husband
Laughing at the antics of our dogs
Energetic music when I’m full of beans
Easy listening music in quiet moments
Driving the new car
Science fiction
Crossword puzzles
Bookkeeping
Quiet contemplation
Good tea or coffee
A good meal
Walking along the beach
The smell of the ocean
Natural landscapes
Flowers and trees